My healing, my sadness and my sharing of this moment in my life come in phases. I have tried to write this post a few different times but the words on the screen haven't quite reflected what my heart feels.
And so I delete it.
I am conflicted when it comes to my healing and exactly how to share that with the world. A part of me feels that it is so private, so personal that I shouldn't let the world in. But another part of me feels the internal nudge to release what I'm feeling because I know I am not the only broken one. And maybe, just maybe my words will help someone else.
Over the past two years I have felt my healing in so many ways. Sometimes it's through tears. Sometimes it's through anger. Sometimes it's by distancing myself and keeping eerily quiet. Sometimes it's through smiling big and laughing so hard it hurts. Sometimes it's by journaling, and often times it's by creating.
Jordan was my encourager. He was my "who cares what others think, do what makes you happy" person.
I miss him still.
And so my healing, I feel like I am making progress. I have good days and bad days (but don't we all). I have learned that sometimes just sitting in my car and talking to him is exactly what my heart needs. I have allowed myself to stay busy with distraction but I have also allowed myself to be sad when I am sad... it has taken me a minute to come to terms with that. Sometimes I allow myself to be mad at what this life has become for my family, and sometimes that is also okay.
I have learned to meet myself and my healing in whatever phase it is in.
I have learned to let go of moments of hurt surrounding his sickness and passing. And I have learned to see beauty in the small things. Now don't get me wrong, I am a work in progress. I still have days where I take steps backward, but trusting in God continues to send me in the right direction.
I have learned in two years the ways that Jordan shows up for me; I see him in so many moments.
I see him in my growth. I see him in sequencing of numbers (111, 1111 and 333 specifically)... you should see all of my saved screenshots. I see him through red birds, and most importantly I see him in my boys.
My boys, they bring me so much joy. There was only one other person that could bring me unexplainable joy... and it was him. So in that way, Knox and Liam brought me exactly what Jordan's loss would take from me just a couple of short years later.
I see him. I feel him.
And I hope that never fades away.
So again, as we approach the anniversary of Jordan's passing I ask that you join us in prayer. Continue to pray for God to show up for us, guide us in our healing and understanding, and help us to find moments of pure joy surrounding his life.
There will never be a day that he isn't on our minds and in our hearts.
I hope my words encourage you if you are in your own phase of healing.
As hard as it is, keep moving forward one step at a time.
Until next time.
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