I have officially been a Mom for an entire year. Where has the time gone?! It is true when they say it flies by.

From wishing some of the really hard days and moments away, to getting sad that the baby phase is over. It has been a roller coaster ride to say the least.

I feel like I have experienced every phase, thought, and feeling throughout this first year. The highest of highs, to some pretty low lows. In complete honesty, I have questioned (more than once) why I was called to be a twin Mom. Judge me if you want, but I am here to keep it 100% transparent.

Of course I instantly feel guilty for questioning being a Mom of twins.

I prayed so hard for this life, and I have been blessed beyond measure. But when I say that having twins is hard, I mean having twins is HARD. Two babies to feed. Two babies to entertain. Two babies to put down for a nap. When one is happy, one is sad. One is independent, and one is attached. You are either fighting one to sleep, or you have one hanging onto your leg. Always.

In short - life with twins is non-stop.

With that being said, just because I say it is hard does not mean I do not love it. I love my two boys more than I could have ever imagined, and definitely don't know what I would be with just one baby (besides a little more sane).

I would give anything for this life that I have been blessed with. Isn't that why life is so confusing though? You are sad, tired and sometimes frustrated, but you are also happy, excited and grateful. The constant battle of feelings.

Becoming a Mom has taught me so much.

Most importantly, I have learned that I have to completely love myself before I can fully love anyone else. It has been a struggle to feel like myself again. From not having much any time alone, to my hair falling out, to dark circles and new wrinkles, to a body that just isn't quite the same - I would say it has been more difficult to love myself than ever before. On top of that, I am was independent in many ways before. I always had multiple plates spinning - from running around every weekend to owning a business and keeping my blog afloat - and now I have two plates spinning, and their names are Knox and Liam.

Did y'all know that you can't really run around all weekend when you have two babies?! Not unless someone is with you. I am not used to that.

When babies enter the equation, your life before gets put on hold. It is not a bad thing, it is just different. I have had to learn that it is okay for my life to be different, and slower (in some sense). For the last 12 months I have wanted everything to keep moving at the same speed. What has that done to me? Nothing but add stress. In the end I am finally learning that letting go of some things (my blog for instance) has only lessened my stress, and given me the moments back to fully enjoy every second with my boys.

It seems a little weird as I type that, because I'm writing a blog post (ha!), but guess what? My boys are down for a nap. And that does not mean that if you work while your babies are awake you are a bad person... you're not. It means that I am finding my rhythm. I feel best about myself and being a Mom when I do the other things I love (blog) when I have already spent time with my boys. They sleep, I work. It is where I have found myself again. I am a better Mom when I make time to do things for myself. It really has changed my thoughts, and feelings for the better.  Too bad it has taken 12 months for me to realize that.

Damn. Being a Mom is hard.

Not to mention that becoming parents also takes a toll on your marriage. Chris and I have both learned that we have to be intentional in our relationship whenever we have those brief moments without the babies. I cannot tell you how many times I have come in from work to immediately grab a crying baby from Chris to give him a break - feed them, bathe them, get them ready for bed... and then look up hours later and say, hey - how was your day?

In the first year, we were really just surviving. And we made it! I cannot tell you what year two, three and so on will look like, but I can tell you this... we made it, and we're damn good parents!

Here's to surviving (and enjoying) another year. Here is to our best years yet! If you are a new Mom, hang in there; soon the phase will change - sometimes easier, and sometimes just different.

Until next time, friends.

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