2019.


Hello, there. I can't really decide what my feelings are now that it is a new year. Obviously I am glad to be here to see another year, but I can't say that 2019 doesn't come with some anxiety. 

2018 was a hard one. It was beautiful and challenging and heart wrenching all in one. 

I struggled as a new Mom; tried to figure out how to be a good Mom while keeping a sense of my independency. Tried to stay patient with two babies that kept my days chaotic and at times, overly stressful. Tried to manage the mom guilt when all I wanted was a moment to myself. Tried to find time for my business and this blog. And really, tried to re-evaluate my life to figure out other than the babies, Chris and my family, what truly deserves my time and attention? 

I put a lot of things on the back burner. 

I guess that's OK? It is hard for me, and I learned that it is hard for others too. After I picked up Rachel Hollis' book - Girl, Wash Your Face, I realized that I am not the only one feeling this way. When I make the time to read it, it really pulls on my heart strings. It is like she is taking my life, and writing it in her book. 

I tried to reflect. I tried to grow. And I honestly think in 2018 I failed. 

Everything written above is what filled half of my year. I would say from April through November I struggled with myself and my life daily. Some people think I have it all together. I am here to tell you that outside perspectives are deceiving. Don't take what you see and think negatively or worse about your life. I promise you everyone is struggling with something themselves. 

My life and perspective took a full 180 in November. I went from being consumed with myself and negative thoughts about myself, to wishing that I would have just enjoyed every moment that I was given. My brother was diagnosed with cancer the day after Thanksgiving. Not something I am fully ready to talk about, but I think sharing it from my perspective is something that will help me (and others maybe) in the future. 

Talk about your life stopping in its tracks. 

It is like someone takes your heart, pulls it out of your chest, holds it in front of you and laughs. 

What I thought was important before took a total back seat. Family is important. Life is important. Being kind is important. 

Do you know what I have done since the news? Worshipped God at church every Sunday - something I have been wanting to do but never put forth the effort to make it happen.

Spent a lot of time with my family. Smiled at more strangers. Laughed. Cried, a lot. Given to a homeless man on my way to work. Donated to other families battling cancer. Thanked God for every moment that he has given us since the news - good or bad. Ignored outside negativity. Brushed off a few small things that would have before sent me over the edge. 

I share this because I think it's important to realize how precious life really is. If you think about doing something, do it. We all think we're too tired or too busy, but I promise you - we're not. 

I am not here to sugarcoat the news from November, and say that only positives have come from it. It hasn't been that way. I have snapped at my loved ones more than I would like, gotten frustrated with small questions or someone talking to me in general. I question why this is happening. It is all normal. I just take it day by day. 

All that being said, I am not sure how I feel about 2019. It honestly comes with a lot of anxiety and unknowns. What I do know is that it will be filled with a lot of love and family time, something that should be at the top of everyone's priority list. I urge you this year to take a second to step back from the busyness of your life. Hug someone, tell them how you really feel. 

I hope your 2019 is fun, loving and as successful as you wish. Happy New Year, friends. 

Until next time. 

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