It's been a minute. I knew it had been some time, but I didn't know quite how many days/weeks had passed until I checked the date on my last blog post.
Immediately when I saw it was the end of January I felt guilty. Guilty for starting a devotional series, and not following through with weekly devotionals. But to be honest, weekly devotionals are hard, and sometimes emotionally exhausting. I found myself starting to stress about what to share, knowing that I hadn't quite worked through the feelings that I had the previous week. So instead of putting a timeline on it, I will share devotionals as I am able to process the journey of my life.
Although I'm sorry that a few weeks have passed without a post, I am also proud that I decided to wait until I had truly had something to share. It doesn't seem quite right writing a post just to say that I did it for the week. Many people have reached out to me about the devotionals that I have shared, and it honestly warms my heart to know that my words are resonating and helping some of you. Writing a post that doesn't really mean anything seems like a letdown.
I feel like the past few weeks have been difficult. Actually, I know that the past few weeks have been difficult. A rollercoaster of emotions from highs and lows, and trying to figure out how to navigate it all. The feeling that I kept finding myself trying to push away was fear. I was waking up everyday with fear, and going to bed with fear. I couldn't quite kick it and I needed it to settle.
What I was looking to find was peace. Peace in knowing that everything would be okay. Peace from within to trust which I talked about in my first devotional and still work hard to achieve everyday.
I wanted to find peace in the midst of fear.
A little bit of a backstory on why I was feeling so much fear, and how changing my thoughts helped me through.
It started when a few things happened with my brother. Again, not going into the details because he didn't sign up to be a blogger, only I did, and it wouldn't be fair to him to share intimate details on his life. I won't leave you hanging, but we had a few scares from him being weak from the chemo, and he ended up back in the hospital two different times. With that naturally comes worry and weight for him and the rest of our family, and fear from the unknowns.
Of course in the middle of all of that (because sometimes life gives you lemons - and right now a lot of them!), I needed to schedule a doctors appointment for myself. At the end of last year I had felt a little bit of discomfort under my left armpit, and thought I felt a lump on my left breast.
Immediately I brushed it off and thought I was just paranoid because of Jordan's recent diagnosis. I pushed it to the back of my mind, but not quite far enough to shake the feeling that something was wrong. After Chris noticed me constantly feeling around the area, he asked me what was wrong and told me I needed to get it checked out.
I scheduled an appointment, but of course the boys got sick that week and I needed to take two days off of work. At that point, I wasn't feeling the discomfort any longer so decided to reschedule. It pushed a few weeks, and I went on about my business. A couple of weeks passed and the thought of something being wrong started to creep back into my mind. Again, I pushed it to the back and focused on my brother and my family.
I finally made it to my rescheduled appointment, and told my doctor about my paranoia but also that I think I may have felt something. Isn't it so strange that we feel like something may be wrong but we convince ourselves that its nothing?
Anyway, I knew by the way my doctors body language shifted that I was correct in
Immediately my mind tricked me and I was not "trusting"; instead the thoughts came rolling in: How could this be happening? I have twin babies. My family can't deal with two people being diagnosed with cancer. Again, why is the happening? Am I strong enough to handle this?
I remember telling Chris, "I see what Jordan is going through, I can't do that".
Y'all - life is scary and our minds are tricky. How quick I was to assume the worst, and forget to trust in the Lord. He's got me, he's got this.
Of course I went to the doctor on a Friday, so I couldn't schedule an appointment until the next week. To be honest, my thoughts and my lack of faith in that moment continued into Friday night. When I woke up on Saturday I changed my tune. This is my life. It's going to be okay. I have a God that loves me, and I will get through this.
The scripture that spoke to me: Philippians 4:6-7. "Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ".
And that's exactly what I did. I let go of the anxiety that I was feeling, and I asked God to bring me faith, understanding, and clear results.
From the time I was told to schedule a mammogram until the day of my mammogram I shifted my thoughts and decided to fully trust in the Lord, and know that he will get my through this. Ultimately, he did. My results came back clear and I immediately praised God for staying true to his word, although I had doubted him.
I don't tell you this for you to feel pity on me. I tell you this because I think its important to know that everyone experiences fear. Everyone has a bad day once in awhile. Everyone has a moment where they feel sorry for themselves. It's how you decide to handle it that makes all of the difference.
Today I challenge you to let go of whatever fear, guilt or frustration you have. Trust that God is there with you, that he will bring you exactly what you need. You may not understand what is happening in that exact moment, but you don't really need to. Life is much bigger than what we experience on a day to day basis.
It's scary letting go - I get it, but I can tell you that I would have driven myself crazy had I not read Phillippians 4:6-7. There is scripture out there for everyone. Read your bible, and find what speaks to you.
Until next time.
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