As I'm sure everyone knows, it's a lot easier to hide behind pretty pictures or a funny post or an insane story about something that happened in your life (in my case insert crazy ass dogs), but it's not so easy to put your real life struggles out in the open.
We're in a world now that is so quick to judge, be hateful and tear you down for being who you are.
I like to be the strong one. I like to have my guard up, put a smile on my face and be the one who helps everyone else that is struggling. More times than not, I'm the friend or sister that everyone goes to when they need to talk, or when they're hurting. While I love this and although very tiring at times, I would much rather be that person than on the other side having to share what hurts me.
I'm not sure why that's so hard for me. I've been told, multiple times in my life, that I have no heart - from my family of course, and I know they're kidding and just giving me a hard time, but really... I do. I just hide it. And I'm not even sure why. I can't pinpoint what exactly made me this way.
I come from a long line of emotional women and while I'm also one of them (it's getting worse as I age), I don't share it quite as openly as they do. And that's okay. But when the time comes and you're always emotional and it gets harder to suppress it, I feel like I'm losing my damn mind. And maybe also Chris. He might be the only one who has seen me at my worst.
So to get to the point of this post and to put it bluntly, Chris and I are struggling with infertility.
I don't even like that word. And I'm not sure that I should use it to describe my situation. There are so many women out there who have had harder and longer struggles with conceiving and they are the ones who can really use the term infertility. But me, I'm not sure? Or maybe I'm just trying to sugarcoat it to keep my head afloat.
I can tell you that I did not, in a million years expect that I would have issues conceiving... but does anyone?
I'll try to start from the beginning.
In July of 2014, after being married for a little over two years, Chris and I decided to start "trying". We were giddy and excited and keeping it a secret because we thought it would happen quickly. Both of our families, as soon as we got married were asking when we were going to have kids. We didn't want to tell anyone we were trying because we just wanted it to be a surprise.
They would ask, we would say "we're not ready yet". In reality, we probably would NOT have been ready if we did get pregnant, but is anyone, ever? It was fun for while, knowing that we really were trying and that our parents had no clue. Not in a mean way, but we just really wanted to surprise everyone.
In November of 2014 we still weren't pregnant. Okay, no big deal. I remember sitting at my niece's birthday party and one of our friends asking "when are you and Chris going to have babies"? I tried to blow it off but my sister knew I was lying. She gave me this look and I knew, she knew we were up to something.
That time, the question hurt a little bit and I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. Later that I day I sent my mom and sister a text. They were ecstatic as I knew they would be and it lifted a pretty heavy weight from my shoulders. I didn't give them the details, just told them we were trying.
2015 rolled around - new year, we're definitely going to have a baby!
Months begin to roll by and I tried to stay busy with work and the blog and everything else I find to do with my time. There, in the back of mind, was always - are we pregnant this month? And with every new month came another disappointment.
At this point only our family knew that we were trying. We would still get the same questions from our friends "when are you and Chris going to have a baby"? And while I wanted to break down and cry, or scream that we're freaking trying (!) I would just take a deep breath and say "we're just not ready yet".
That is what I thought was one of the hardest things in my life.
2015 was half over when I just couldn't take it anymore. I would scroll through Instagram and see baby announcements and baby bumps, I get on Facebook and see baby news, I get on Pinterest and see baby nurseries... there were babies everywhere.
I craved the happiness and excitement that I saw on everyone else's posts.
And then new months came and the baby bumps turned into babies and newborn photos and I would just cry. There they were and here I am, still not pregnant.
I think at this point Chris started to get worried a bit. I was sad all of the time. I would get frustrated easily and say mean things. And it wasn't because he did anything wrong, it was because I couldn't handle the constant battle happening in my mind.
All Chris wants is a baby. And I can't give him that.
Finally I think my mom had enough also. Not of the crying because I tried to hold it together until I was either alone or with Chris, but with us not having a baby. All I wanted was a baby. And all she wanted for us was to have a baby. She knew how bad we wanted it.
All everyone wants is for us to have a baby. That's awesome, but it's also a lot of pressure.
So one day she called and insisted I start acupuncture.
She went so far as to schedule me an appointment because I hadn't done it yet. Typically, I like to think I would of laughed it off, but I snapped. I told her she overstepped her boundaries and made her cancel the appointment. I really think I reacted that way because I was and still am broken inside.
I felt horribly guilty and apologized and immediately called to re-schedule the appointment.
In November of last year Chris and I went nervously to our first acupuncture appointment to begin what we hoped to be a lot less heartbreaking process.
I can't say that's it much easier. I think it's actually harder.
Week by week I go to acupuncture - smile on my face, patiently sitting in the room to be poked from anywhere from 10-18 needles. And then I go home and wait for the next week, all the while seeing pictures of babies and having conversations with Chris always ending with "who do you think our baby will look like" or "what do you think about this name"?
And since November I've been documenting every piece of information. Every thought, mood, temperature - anything you can think of. If I feel it, I document it. It becomes a bit of an obsession. This definitely doesn't help with the constant roller coaster of emotions.
And then a new month comes and mother nature does her damn thing and you're left broken, all over again.
I want a baby and I can't make that happen. This is completely out of my hands and I'm not good with that. I don't think any control freak is. But I'm here and hopeful and I'm praying that in 2016 God will bless us with a baby.
I'm not sure I'll know how to be my old self after this. This process changes you... and I can't say for the better.
I've been sad (everyday), I've been mad, I've been bitter and I've been obsessive. Some of those things I was with my old self, but some not at all.
Needing and wanting something so badly in your life affects you. It hurts deep in your soul. I never truly knew what it would feel like to need and want as badly as I do right now and I hope to never feel this way again.
I tried in the more recent days, or maybe within the last week to just stay positive. I'm happy for my friends and family and even the strangers that are planning for the arrival of their new baby. It's a blessing and I'm excited for them. It hurts that it's not me but that's just life.
I've had all the feels when it comes to this and let me tell you, bitterness gets you nowhere. God has a plan for us and in good time, He will bless us with the baby we're meant to have. Until then, I will cuddle and kiss all the new babies planned to arrive in the near future.
For the women out there who have had a harder and longer struggle than I have, bless you. I'm sorry you've had to experience it and I hope if you haven't already, that you too are blessed with exactly what you're longing for.
And for everyone reading this post. I didn't decide to share our story because I want you to feel sorry for me. I simply wanted to share our story to remember these days and moments. I wanted to share a bit more about myself because I feel that's what this blog is for. Behind every staged photo is a couple struggling to have a baby.
Sometimes you need to let your guard down. Sometimes you need to show the world your true self. Well this is me... the good, the bad and the ugly.
Until next time. And I promise it'll be much more lighthearted.
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