I'm not really sure how to begin this post. I'm not even sure that I've 100% convinced myself that I want to share this, but something inside of me keeps telling me to open up a bit, so here I am.

As I'm sure everyone knows, it's a lot easier to hide behind pretty pictures or a funny post or an insane story about something that happened in your life (in my case insert crazy ass dogs), but it's not so easy to put your real life struggles out in the open.

We're in a world now that is so quick to judge, be hateful and tear you down for being who you are.

I like to be the strong one. I like to have my guard up, put a smile on my face and be the one who helps everyone else that is struggling. More times than not, I'm the friend or sister that everyone goes to when they need to talk, or when they're hurting. While I love this and although very tiring at times, I would much rather be that person than on the other side having to share what hurts me.

I'm not sure why that's so hard for me. I've been told, multiple times in my life, that I have no heart - from my family of course, and I know they're kidding and just giving me a hard time, but really... I do. I just hide it. And I'm not even sure why. I can't pinpoint what exactly made me this way.

I come from a long line of emotional women and while I'm also one of them (it's getting worse as I age), I don't share it quite as openly as they do. And that's okay. But when the time comes and you're always emotional and it gets harder to suppress it, I feel like I'm losing my damn mind. And maybe also Chris. He might be the only one who has seen me at my worst.

So to get to the point of this post and to put it bluntly, Chris and I are struggling with infertility.

I don't even like that word. And I'm not sure that I should use it to describe my situation. There are so many women out there who have had harder and longer struggles with conceiving and they are the ones who can really use the term infertility. But me, I'm not sure? Or maybe I'm just trying to sugarcoat it to keep my head afloat.

I can tell you that I did not, in a million years expect that I would have issues conceiving... but does anyone?

I'll try to start from the beginning.

In July of 2014, after being married for a little over two years, Chris and I decided to start "trying". We were giddy and excited and keeping it a secret because we thought it would happen quickly. Both of our families, as soon as we got married were asking when we were going to have kids. We didn't want to tell anyone we were trying because we just wanted it to be a surprise.

They would ask, we would say "we're not ready yet". In reality, we probably would NOT have been ready if we did get pregnant, but is anyone, ever? It was fun for while, knowing that we really were trying and that our parents had no clue. Not in a mean way, but we just really wanted to surprise everyone.

In November of 2014 we still weren't pregnant. Okay, no big deal. I remember sitting at my niece's birthday party and one of our friends asking "when are you and Chris going to have babies"? I tried to blow it off but my sister knew I was lying. She gave me this look and I knew, she knew we were up to something.

That time, the question hurt a little bit and I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. Later that I day I sent my mom and sister a text. They were ecstatic as I knew they would be and it lifted a pretty heavy weight from my shoulders. I didn't give them the details, just told them we were trying.

2015 rolled around - new year, we're definitely going to have a baby!

Months begin to roll by and I tried to stay busy with work and the blog and everything else I find to do with my time. There, in the back of mind, was always - are we pregnant this month? And with every new month came another disappointment.

At this point only our family knew that we were trying. We would still get the same questions from our friends "when are you and Chris going to have a baby"? And while I wanted to break down and cry, or scream that we're freaking trying (!) I would just take a deep breath and say "we're just not ready yet".

That is what I thought was one of the hardest things in my life.

2015 was half over when I just couldn't take it anymore. I would scroll through Instagram and see baby announcements and baby bumps, I get on Facebook and see baby news, I get on Pinterest and see baby nurseries... there were babies everywhere.

I craved the happiness and excitement that I saw on everyone else's posts.

And then new months came and the baby bumps turned into babies and newborn photos and I would just cry. There they were and here I am, still not pregnant.

I think at this point Chris started to get worried a bit. I was sad all of the time. I would get frustrated easily and say mean things. And it wasn't because he did anything wrong, it was because I couldn't handle the constant battle happening in my mind.

All Chris wants is a baby. And I can't give him that.

Finally I think my mom had enough also. Not of the crying because I tried to hold it together until I was either alone or with Chris, but with us not having a baby. All I wanted was a baby. And all she wanted for us was to have a baby. She knew how bad we wanted it.

All everyone wants is for us to have a baby. That's awesome, but it's also a lot of pressure.

So one day she called and insisted I start acupuncture.

She went so far as to schedule me an appointment because I hadn't done it yet. Typically, I like to think I would of laughed it off, but I snapped. I told her she overstepped her boundaries and made her cancel the appointment. I really think I reacted that way because I was and still am broken inside.

I felt horribly guilty and apologized and immediately called to re-schedule the appointment.

In November of last year Chris and I went nervously to our first acupuncture appointment to begin what we hoped to be a lot less heartbreaking process.

I can't say that's it much easier. I think it's actually harder.

Week by week I go to acupuncture - smile on my face, patiently sitting in the room to be poked from anywhere from 10-18 needles. And then I go home and wait for the next week, all the while seeing pictures of babies and having conversations with Chris always ending with "who do you think our baby will look like" or "what do you think about this name"?

It's hard.

And since November I've been documenting every piece of information. Every thought, mood, temperature - anything you can think of. If I feel it, I document it. It becomes a bit of an obsession. This definitely doesn't help with the constant roller coaster of emotions.

And then a new month comes and mother nature does her damn thing and you're left broken, all over again.

I want a baby and I can't make that happen. This is completely out of my hands and I'm not good with that. I don't think any control freak is. But I'm here and hopeful and I'm praying that in 2016 God will bless us with a baby.

I'm not sure I'll know how to be my old self after this. This process changes you... and I can't say for the better.

I've been sad (everyday), I've been mad, I've been bitter and I've been obsessive. Some of those things I was with  my old self, but some not at all.

Needing and wanting something so badly in your life affects you. It hurts deep in your soul. I never truly knew what it would feel like to need and want as badly as I do right now and I hope to never feel this way again.

I tried in the more recent days, or maybe within the last week to just stay positive. I'm happy for my friends and family and even the strangers that are planning for the arrival of their new baby. It's a blessing and I'm excited for them. It hurts that it's not me but that's just life.

I've had all the feels when it comes to this and let me tell you, bitterness gets you nowhere. God has a plan for us and in good time, He will bless us with the baby we're meant to have. Until then, I will cuddle and kiss all the new babies planned to arrive in the near future.

For the women out there who have had a harder and longer struggle than I have, bless you. I'm sorry you've had to experience it and I hope if you haven't already, that you too are blessed with exactly what you're longing for.

And for everyone reading this post. I didn't decide to share our story because I want you to feel sorry for me. I simply wanted to share our story to remember these days and moments. I wanted to share a bit more about myself because I feel that's what this blog is for. Behind every staged photo is a couple struggling to have a baby.

Sometimes you need to let your guard down. Sometimes you need to show the world your true self. Well this is me... the good, the bad and the ugly.

Until next time. And I promise it'll be much more lighthearted.

17 comments

  1. Thanks for sharing. I shared my infertility story too, and though I was sared to death, it actually made it feel so much better getting it all out in the open. You are definitely not alone. We finally had IVF after 7 years and I am so happy we finally admitted we were having problems because that is what pushed us to try something different. I will be praying for yall. Thank you SO much for sharing!
    walkinginmemphisinhighheels.com

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    1. It really did feel like a weight has been lifted when the post was published. I've already had so many ladies comment on their struggles or with similar stories. That's truly what I love about blogging. So glad you guys were able to share your story as well and find happiness. Your baby girl is just the cutest! Thanks for reading and taking a moment to comment!

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  2. I'm so sorry for your struggle here. I've had close friends and family have this issue and there really is nothing you can do but be there for them. I also struggle to show emotion and let people in to personal struggles (my family calls me an ice queen, awesome), so I hear you there as well. I think by sharing this you will find there are so many others like you that have struggled with this and I hope that after all of your struggles you will get exactly what you want, and be all the more grateful for it;) Thinking of you, friend!

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    1. Thank you! Ice Queen, I love it... And I totally get it. I have already seen in the short amount of time that this post has been up, that so many others either struggled with the same thing or something similar. Puts it into perspective and gives me hope. Thank you for your support, always!

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  3. I'm so sorry hun. I know that this is so hard for you two. At least you're trying some new things and maybe you have to switch to something else for it work. Keep trying my love. I don't think this it for you and Chris. Ya'll may have a long journey ahead of you, but it's a journey nonetheless. Try to stay positive. I love you!

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    1. Trying to stay positive! I don't think this is it for us either. We have other options and maybe we'll have to try one of those later down the road. Until then, we just need to enjoy each other... And our sleep, right?! Thanks for supporting me and the blog, and knowing when to push me to share something a bit more personal. Love you!

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    2. Hey cuz sorry to hear about your struggles as you know I didn't have a hard time having my kids but so I can't possibly know what you are going through but I did struggle with some low points when I had my tubes tied and it came around to wanting another baby and I knew I couldn't I know it's not the same thing but it was hard all the same and I don't think I could have done it without Andy so you let Chris be your rock even if you get that filling that you are failing because in the end no matter the out come he will be there I know we don't talk much now but I love you and you can always talk to me if you need to good luck and know our prayers are with yall.

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    3. Thanks, Connie! It is hard but I know that it will happen when it's meant to happen. Thank you for the prayers.

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  4. Though my struggle has been a little longer than yours I have the exact same feelings you do. After a year of testing and trying some fertility drugs we have taken a break due to moving and me needing some sanity. Soon we start the process all over again with new doctors. Not looking forward to that at all. The hardest part for me is there is no reason I'm not getting pregnant. There is nothing wrong with either of us but in 7 years I haven't gotten pregnant.

    I pray that 2016 is the year that the Lord blesses you and Chris with a bundle of joy!

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    1. Wow, I'm sorry to hear that! I can only imagine what trying for 7 years has been like. With only struggling for a bit over a year, I already feel beat down from the process. I will keep you in my prayers as well and hope that this next round of fertility medicine brings you the baby you're wishing for.

      Thank you for your support - we appreciate it!

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  5. Thanks for sharing your struggle and it's actually that really hit close to home. I never pictured being divorced and with no kids at the age of 29. It's much difficult when it's all you constantly get asked about or know that once you arrive at a family event, the dreaded question will be asked but you know I learned to trust God with all my heart and have put everything in his hands. It's always easier said than done of course but I promise his plan is much better than what we envision. I'll keep you and Chris in my prayers and really hope 2016 is the year where you fulfill this beautiful dream of becoming a mother and feel complete as a woman. We might have only seen each other once after we graduated but if you ever need anything or girl time let me know. I mean, we are both fur mommas and can still enjoy staying up late with a glass of wine till the babies come along 😁 Love ya!

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    1. Thanks, Maria! I had no idea of your struggles as well. I'm sorry! And I completely understand where you're coming from with the dreaded questions. I appreciate the prayers and the support. We are momma's to fur babies and a glass of wine would be great! Whenever you have a free night we should definitely have a glass, talk and just enjoy our friendship. Thanks for reading, supporting and reaching out!

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  6. I love you Steph and am so sorry you and Chris are going through this. I pray that 2016 will bring you and Chris some answers (and hopefully results!). I hate that you are going through this. I know in this crazy life of ours we don't get to see each other as often as we would like but please know I am always here for you, even if you just need a distraction!

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    1. Love you too! I keep it inside - mostly, but I just felt like this was something I needed to share. Also, we need to fix not seeing much of each other anymore! We have busy lives, but we need to carve out a day/night every now and then and just catch up. We'll always be friends and I know when we do see each other we'll just start right where we left off.. but, I miss you!

      We'll see each other in a week or so at Katie's birthday though. Looking forward to it! Thanks for being such a good friend.

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  7. Hi Stephanie. I have followed your blog for close to a year now and recently read this post but didn't have time to comment. I have been fortunate enough to conceive a baby literally as soon as we tried but I always sympathize with those who can't. I have known a few women who have had this problem and several gracious bloggers who have shared their infertility stories too. All I can say is that please continue to stay positive and think that in the right time that baby will come along. I love to hear that these days most of IVF works. Whatever way you and your husband choose to become parents, I am sure will be the right one for you. Keep your spirits up. As a woman and as a mother I understand and I am here if you need to talk. Sending positive thoughts, prayers and hugs your way. Thank you so much for sharing this. =)

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    1. Hi Ada! Thank you so much for your sweet words. And thank you for following my blog. The support I have received since starting this blog and again when sharing my story is absolutely incredible. It's great to know that I am surrounded by such sweet women. It's hard to open up and share stories that close to my heart, but I am so glad I did. Otherwise, I may have not known that you were following along. :) Thanks, so much!

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