Hey, friends! So, I'm sitting here at my computer, trying to figure out exactly how to put in words what I'm about to tell you.

It's always hard when I have something important and exciting to share, especially when it's with people who have read and followed my blog for so long.

First, I want to start by saying thank you. Thank you for sticking around, hearing me out, sharing and liking my posts; most of all, thank you for being supportive of me. When I started this blog, I had no idea what would come. I didn't know that I would actually feel connected with everyone reading it, and in turn feel comfortable enough opening up and sharing my personal life.

Most days, I'm a closed book. I have my guard up, and not many people actually get to see me from the inside-out.

Most of you know, but if you don't, Chris and I have struggled with infertility for nearly 3 years. I first opened up about it, and shared my broken heart here. There have since been posts sharing updates on our journey with Dr. Pinto and his team, when Chris had to give me the trigger shot at home, and again when I continuously tried to keep my head up and heart open, but always felt defeated at the end of the day.

There are not enough words to express the journey, the process, the hope, the defeat, the smiles, the tears, the fear... everything. Infertility is something that I can honestly say changed my life. I will forever look at pregnancy in a different light.

And especially now. God has answered our prayers, y'all. WE ARE PREGNANT.

And it doesn't stop there.

Twin_Pregnancy_Announcement

So now that the cat is outta the bag, and it's been HARD not yelling it from the rooftops, I'll tell you a bit about our journey getting here. It's interesting, like most other personal stories that I write, so here goes nothing.

Chris and I approached the new year with high hopes, and trusted that God would bless us with what we've longed for. We took a test on New Year's Eve, thinking that it would be the greatest gift of all time. How perfect, right? 2016 sucked, so why not start 2017 with a bang? Well, that wasn't the plan for us. Luckily, I had just enjoyed a long coffee and blogging date with Cassidy - you probably know her from Life on Cass Lane (the best!) and she encouraged me to take the news differently this time. She said, if it's not the results you're wanting, take a few seconds before you react, and say out loud 5 things you are grateful for.

And that's exactly what I did. I'm not going to say that there weren't any tears shed, because there were. But, I gave myself a second to be sad, and then I moved on. There's nothing that I could have done differently to change the result, so I had to let it go.

Shortly after that, it was time to go back to Pinto's office. We had decided that it was time to move on from Clomid, but we didn't prepare enough time in advance for the next option, so instead of wasting another month not moving forward with anything we decided to do one more round of Clomid. The timing was anything but perfect (or so I thought), because right when I would typically head in for my trigger shot, I was actually booked to be in San Jose, CA for work. The nurse told me not to worry, just to come in first thing the morning after I got back from my trip.

So, I got back from my trip on Wednesday night, and went in to see the doctors on Thursday morning. Typical process, they brought me in for a sonogram to see how many of my follicles had grown large enough to "release". Well, she hesitated and said - I need to go talk to the doctor. When she came back she had less than great news. She dropped the bomb that my body had ovulated on its own, while I was away in California, and that I may have missed my window of opportunity.

My world came crashing down. How did I ovulate on my own? Why would my body decide to ovulate on its own this time? How am I supposed to track anything when my body doesn't even follow the normal process? 
With a million questions running through my mind, I numbly walked out of their office not knowing how I was going to go back to work.

Chris and I decided to stop and grab lunch. I ordered food, and literally sat across from him in the Schlotzsky's booth, and could not stop the tears. I couldn't eat my lunch. I couldn't believe that my body was doing this to me. I couldn't even gather the words to explain to Chris why the tears were flowing, and how I couldn't control them. It was all buried deep inside of me, and the news I had just gotten was the last straw. I was broken.

The next two weeks were a waiting game, per usual. This time, I went on with my life and didn't give it much thought. There was no way that I could be pregnant this time. After all of these times, this is not the one. I didn't even know exactly when I ovulated. I was over it, which you tend to be a few times during this process, and called to schedule a consult with Pinto. We were ready to move forward, and with a option that may be more promising for our situation.

We booked an appointment, one day before I was supposed to take a pregnancy test. Nervously, we sat across from Pinto as he explained (again) the ins and outs of my body, PCOS, and the success rates involved with each option. What he was saying, and what I had researched were not giving me hope. I had taken Clomid for much longer than I ever wanted, my body was producing follicles that were large enough, and I was taking the trigger shot and doing all the things they told me to do. Textbook wise, this should be working.

Of course knowing that he can't give me the answer I'm looking for, I asked anyway. If I'm growing follicles, and forcing my body to ovulate, why is this not working? And then he said the words that made my heart skip a beat. He said - you're asking me a question that only God can answer. And just like that, he said the words that I have struggled with hearing for so long. I knew that was the answer. I knew it. But I can't control that, and that's not what I wanted to hear.

Again, I left his office feeling numb and questioning why Chris and I couldn't become parents. Everyone tells us we're worthy of being parents, yet we are faced with the truth behind a negative pregnancy test. Every. Single. Month.

I couldn't keep it together. I cried my way to work. I called my Mom and completely lost everything I pride myself on being. I wasn't strong. I wasn't happy. I was spiraling out of control, and didn't know how to stop it. For sure I freaked my Mom out. I could hear it in her voice, but I didn't know what else to do. The emotions were so strong, and it took everything inside of me to pick up the phone and dial her number. I don't usually do that. I typically handle it myself. This time I couldn't. I cried all day at work. I couldn't focus, I had lost myself.

And then my mom called to check on me on the way home, and I started crying again. I don't remember all of the conversation, I just remember telling her that I didn't want to be 40 having my second baby... and I'm already 30 and can't have one. Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with having babies at that age, its just not what I had planned for my life. On top of that, it had already been a roller coaster of a day, and I was oh-so fragile.

Instead of coming home and burying myself under the covers, I decided to face the reality of my life. I got the computer out and started researching IVF. What to expect, how to prepare, what risks are involved - all of it. I had enough, and I was moving forward with the next best option. I went to bed that night praying to God for answered prayers in my near future.

He was probably laughing, like I got you girl - but I had no idea.

Thursday morning, I woke up and told Chris that I didn't want to take a test. I didn't know if I could handle another day of bad news. He left for work, and the thought of not knowing started eating at me. Even though I was scared to take a test, there was also still a glimmer of hope, and I couldn't let that go. I pulled the test out, did my thing, and continued on with my daily routine. I'll just turn around, see that it's a negative test, toss it in the trash, and get in the shower. Or so I thought.

I waited, and waited, and waited for the damn blinking lines on the test to turn into the words that I longed to see. Finally, there was only one more line, and then I would know. I would either move on, like last time, or... well, I would move on like last time. We all know how this goes.

I checked the water, yep - warm enough to get in, turned around for a really quick peek, and was stopped in my tracks. For the first time in my life, it was a positive test. It read PREGNANT, and I was officially in shock. I looked at myself in the mirror, and back down at the test - this better not be a joke. I looked at myself again and said, OMG you're pregnant. I turned the shower off, got dressed, and picked up the phone to call Chris. Even now, I feel like I was outside of my body doing all of these things.

Chris answered, and I immediately said - hey, where are you? Almost to work, he said. Okay, I need you to come home. Him: Why, is someone in the house? Me: I just need for you to come home. He said okay. This was by far the longest 25 minutes of my life. I stood, the entire 25 minutes, with the pregnancy test in one hand, and my phone in the other. Damn, where is he? But it had only been five minutes. HOW had it only been five minutes? I paced the living room, told the dogs I was pregnant, and not so patiently waited to hear Chris come down the alley.

His truck was finally here, and I would get to tell him we're going to be parents. I have dreamed of this day, y'all. I always envisioned that I would tell him, we would both be screaming and laughing, and he would pick me up and spin in circles.

It's funny how an almost three year struggle to get pregnant will change that. It was nothing like that. He came in, I slowly walked up, turned the pregnancy test around, and he cracked a small smile. He pulled me in close, and gave me a tight hug. And that was it. We were both in shock, and had no idea how to process the news.

We said it a few times out loud, as if that would make it more real, and then stared at each other like - what now? Originally we had planned to go to our parents and my sisters house to announce it, but nothing works out as planned. We were beyond excited, and knew that after a day like the day before, we had to call and tell someone. My Mom was the second to know. I called her, very calmly and said - I got a positive test this morning. And then she said OMG, and started screaming. That's exactly what I was expecting from her. haha! Immediately we had to three-way my sister, who was the third person to know (not counting the dogs). She didn't answer (what the hell), but called back pretty quickly. I again, calmly told her that we got a positive test. She reacted pretty much the same way.

They have been by my side during this entire journey, so of course we would immediately tell them. I would have loved to surprise them in person, but I will never forget how they reacted, and what they sounded like the morning of. A few more phone calls were made (what can I say, we were ecstatic), and then I finally got ready for work.

How I worked that day, I will never know. Chris had already planned dinner that night to break the news to his parents. As if they had no clue we had something up our sleeves. When do we ever go out to dinner on a week night? Ha.

We felt like we needed to take another test, just in case. So I asked Chris to stop and grab some on his way home. As soon as I walked through the door, he asked me if I had to pee, and let me know he already had a test waiting for me on the bathroom sink. Um, excited much?! Love him.

It was positive, again. And we were all smiles. We headed out for dinner, and tried to keep it as casual as possible. Chris was dealing with work stuff, and fidgeting in between. I had to nudge him under the table to chill, or else he was going to give it away. And then he said, well we actually invited y'all to dinner for a reason, and showed them a picture of our two positive tests. His Dad's mouth dropped, as he looked back from me to Chris, Chris to me, and his Mom said - are you serious? Are those y'alls tests, with a shocked face. No one could believe it, and I knew exactly how they were feeling.

After that, the great news immediately turned into lots of phone calls and appointments with Pinto's office. The next few days were full of blood tests. From confirming that we were pregnant, to ensuring that all my levels were increasing as they should, each phone call was filled with hope, and anxiety - praying that all continued to be okay.

Everything was going as planned, and I felt so blessed. At 6 weeks, we went in for our first sonogram. Chris jokingly asked the nurse, before the sono started - can you tell this early if there are two. She said, yes - of course. And then what I thought would be a typical sonogram, showing a small baby inside of me, became a different flood of emotions and fear, when the nurse said - "well how do you feel about two"? Wait. What?! I immediately said, "um, not great at the moment". And laughed, like it was all a joke.

And then I sat there, emotionless. I stared at the screen and thought, this is not my life. I prayed for one baby. I was okay with one baby. I could feel my Mom and Chris looking at me, but I could not bring myself to pull my eyes away from the screen. I heard my Mom call my name, multiple times, but again - I couldn't respond. I couldn't process what I had just seen and heard. It was one of those moments where your body feels like its a thousand pounds. I couldn't lift a finger, I couldn't turn my head. I was literally in shock.

I left that appointment not knowing what had just happened to me. My Mom was talking, but I couldn't put together what she was saying, and Chris was smiling. They decided we needed to FaceTime my sister. And so I did, but when she answered I didn't have any words. I think I uttered, it's twins or there's two, but couldn't say anything else. Talking to her about it later, she said she wishes she would have taken a screenshot of the moment. I was expressionless, Chris was smiling ear to ear, and my Mom was bouncing around like a crazy person. If you know us, this makes complete sense.

And really y'all, that's how it was for the first few weeks. I can  honestly say that I was in actual shock for a good two weeks. I could not, for the life of me, come to terms with what the doctor had told us. Not that it was bad news by any means, but it was definitely not the news I was expecting.

This story could go on forever, really. But I won't give you the details of everyday, at least not yet.

It is just incredible, and crazy, and the biggest miracle of my life to say the least. As I sit here and type this blog post, I'm currently 9 weeks and 4 days pregnant. My Mom is chomping at the bit to tell everyone, and we just had a sono this morning with Baby A and Baby B moving around like crazy.
Update: I actually decided to sit down and start this post, weeks before I actually planned to announce it. We're no longer 9 week and 4 days, if anyone is wondering. We're right at the 12 week mark. 

This is my life, and I can't believe it. God had a plan that's for sure. And what a huge, wonderful plan it was. I cannot wait to share this entire pregnancy with you guys. I hope you're ready to hear about babies... ALL THE TIME.

Chris and I are going to be parents. Praise the Lord!

Love and hugs. Thanks for sticking around, and helping us through our journey. Until next time.

14 comments

  1. Omg! Scootie, I am so happy for you guys. :) you're going to be wonderful parents.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Girl...I have thought about you so much over the past 9 months or so. PCOS and Clomid are some finicky beasts and it's definitely a tough road. So SO happy for you and Chris!! Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They sure are, but we made it! We are so excited! And thank you!!

      Delete
  3. Congratulations!!!!!! I love this testimony of God's plan and the irony you find in it now, as you reminisce on your thought process through it all <3 I am so happy for the both of you! Soon to be, the four of you! Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!!! Yes, the four of us... isn't that crazy?!

      Delete
  4. Congratulations! Long but good read! So happy for you guys! What a blessing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much! Such a long post, but there was so much to share! :)

      Delete
  5. Ahhh! Scootie! Best BLOG EVER!!! I had tears, and laughed, and happy cried. I couldn't stop grinning at the screen! So glad it's out in the open! I already started a pinterest board for the Ryan twins!!!! LOVE YOU GUYS!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EEK! It was so hard writing this post! My mind was moving faster than my hands... and I just couldn't stop sharing. It ended up so long, but I had to give every last detail! haha. Glad you loved it. We love you!!

      Delete
  6. Steph! I screamed with you when I saw your instagram post. I am so excited for you. Thank you for taking us all on this journey with you. You've been blessed 2 times over. You don't have to worry about being 40 and having your 2nd baby. We are so excited for you both!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much! I'm glad you're following along on our journey!

      Delete
  7. I think I've read this blog post a million times because it is so dang sweet. I can't imagine! Twins!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So crazy, right?! I'm getting so excited to find out the genders!

      Delete

Powered by Blogger.