Today is Jordan's 28th birthday. Man, I don't even know what to say.

I sat down at my computer because I know what I am feeling on the inside, but looking at a blank screen and knowing why I am here to write, it's crippling. My heart is beating fast, my stomach is in my throat, my eyes filled with tears... I don't want this to be my reality.

Happy heavenly birthday, Bebo. I miss you. 

Attempting to describe how one moves forward after loss, it's difficult. There are okay days and extremely hard days. There is guilt; guilt for smiling and laughing when the one you lost isn't here to do the same. Guilt for continuing to make memories when the one you lost isn't physically included in them. Guilt for moving forward in general, because it just doesn't seem fair.

It's a strange reality.

I never really talked much about how I was feeling coming into the new year. Part of me was ready to write 2019 off, okay, actually all of me was ready to write 2019 off.  I continuously wished it away. It was by far the most difficult, heart wrenching and horrific year of my life. But once I had time to stop and really think about it, I am still not sure how I feel about it being completely in my past. A new year means a clean slate, but a new year after loss means a entirely new reality, one that doesn't physically include my brother.

2019 was horrible, it was, but it also had Jordan in it. I got to see his face, hear his laugh, feel his hugs, send him texts. And just like that it's 2020, and those times no longer exist... so as quick as I was to wish 2019 away I just as quickly wish some of it back. I guess I am not quite ready to let it go. An entirely new year, and one where my brother is a memory.

Damn. 

So how does one move forward? One day at a time. I am not a professional but I will tell you how I am making progress. One step, one day at a time. Faith, family, writing and reliving our memories. It's all I can do.

I still talk about him; I say his name. I pray for us, and for him. I listen to music, although music is the most difficult for me - we bonded over music. I document small moments; seeing butterflies and red birds, hearing certain songs at specific times, when the sky is astoundingly beautiful, releasing balloons... all of the things that I believe are intentional reminders for me and my family that he's happy and healthy, and that we will be reunited again.

Jordan is proud, I know he is. And I'm proud of him too. I hope he's having the most magical birthday in the most magical place.

Today we celebrate him, and I hope you will too.

I love you, brother.  

Until next time.

2 comments

  1. Love you friend! Thinking of you and everyone that loves Jordan today.

    ReplyDelete

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