A year is quickly approaching and I can feel the anxiety starting to creep in. The tension in my muscles, the aching in my heart and the welling of tears in my eyes.

I want to fast forward over the next month and a half, because memories of this time last year are crashing into me like waves during a storm. Life without him for an entire year has been heart wrenching.

Seeing his face in photos before all of this, it feeling almost like a stranger. Like what did life do with my brother, and why did it have to be this way?

A whole year without him. 

I have dreaded this moment; the one year milestone. It is as if you reach a year and society leads you to believe that all your sadness should be wiped away, and your life back to normal. I feel like I was guilty of believing that in the past as well, before it became my reality. But just because it's been a year doesn't mean your life magically moves on.

There are so many moments over the past year that I just didn't expect. I didn't expect the phone call receiving the horrific news that he was gone to play over and over in my head. I didn't expect some days to seem so normal. I didn't expect to still strangely feel the moment he wrapped his arm around me after his first chemo treatment (not the other way around), as if he was sorry that I was having to go through the pain (doesn't that sound just like him)? Or seeing a family in an airport, or guys around his age out and about, or memories of us driving to my parents house in my mustang. The list goes on and on. All the memories they are wonderful to have, but man they hurt.

So many moments that just take your heart and shatter it into a million pieces. Day 1 or day 365... time doesn't matter.

I will always have an aching for just one more moment together. I will always remember his smile, his laugh, his teasing, his dance moves, his hugs, his elbow bumps, and his expression when something wasn't right. And my hope is that I, along with everyone else that knew him, will remember him as vividly three years from now as we do today.

Although it has been challenging I can't say that the last year has been all bad. Through the loss of Jordan I have found more of myself. My faith has grown, my perspective on life changed; I am determined to find joy and my purpose. I think God used Jordan for that reason, not only for me, but for a lot of people. He truly made an impact on so many peoples lives. He was part of a much bigger story, one where we're not privy to all of the details.

A while back one of our sermons made me think of him immediately. The phrase that struck me: And He said, well done good and faithful servant.

I wholeheartedly believe that those words were spoken to Jordan when he stood before God in heaven. Jordan brought so many of us with him on his journey; encouraged us through his testimony, and now we are living through his faithfulness. Maybe that is what was intended through all of this pain. We will never know. But as I have said before, I am here with my heart open and ready to do whatever it is that He is trying to do through me. Through Jordan. Through our family.

As we approach a year I pray that we can all remember Jordan's character. Let's remember the moments he made you laugh, the moments he listened to your dreams and fears, the days he did less for himself so that he could help you, and all of the times he told you he loved you.

And let's give praise to our faithful God. He gave us another year, he gave us a ton of wonderful memories leading up to Jordan's final moments, and He has given us so many signs from heaven to remind us that he's still with us.

Please keep my family in your prayers as we approach this difficult anniversary.

And if you are anywhere in the midst of a painful, life altering situation know this: time does not take away the pain, but allowing yourself to change based on your circumstances will lead to the healing of your heart.

It's what is currently happening to me.

Until next time, friends.

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